It's time to come clean. I've done a little blogging under a different title the last few months. I didn't announce it because I needed a more private place to process the things going on in my marriage and even in church. Most of the readers here know both my husband and my church, so I needed to be able to express myself freely without the worry of offending someone or not being respectful to my husband.
But I have discovered two things....
1) I need to bring the scattered pieces of my life together - I am more than just wife and mother and church member. I am a whole person trying to make healthy choices for the first time in my life. And...
2) I am strong enough now to speak my heart and not worry (as much) about how others will respond. I hope as I process from now on I am not offensive, but it is reasonable that I have my own thoughts and that I be allowed to express them - even if it gets messy sometimes.
So if you want to continue to share my journey, you can catch up on A Woman's Journey. Thank you for traveling with me thus far and God bless us as we each set sail for healing and wholeness.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
She's Home
Funny, reading through that last post highlights my confusion these days. See, my husband was indeed VERY angry with me. He was a little more talkative for a few days once his headaches eased, but it was short-lived. He continued in the silent treatment until another big explosion (or at least it felt like an explosion to me). I even moved my things into the spare bedroom while he was a church that night after the argument, but he came home remorseful and repentant. To his credit, he's been trying harder since then. But he still gets angry and says things that hurt me. And I'm so bruised it doesn't take much to make me bleed right now.
But all that is secondary to today's big milestone. Grace was officially "awarded" custody of Melody today. What a concept, like a prize in a contest. Hummm, kinda was in some respects. But Grace has made so much progress and everyone agreed it's time. We all cried in relief, even Grace.
On a side note, Grace pricked a memory in me tonight. She was complaining about how my husband and I hijacked her Facebook page when she disappeared after leaving treatment. We had promised we would have her arrested for the theft of my jewelery if she left treatment so she ran, leaving Melody with us. We were panicked, wanting to know she was ok. She rightfully resents having her privacy invaded that way and how we announced her drug use to all her friends and former co-workers. There are a thousand arguments for and against what we did, none of which I want to explore tonight.
But she said tonight in her bitterness that we didn't care about her welfare at the time. She has no concept... one of my most vivid memories at the time was getting the dentist's phone number ready in case we needed her dental records. We were prepared to identify her body if needed. How does a mother weigh these preparations against her daughter's right to privacy on Facebook?
Yet the bigger picture tonight is that Melody is officially under Grace's control again. I am jubilant - such a positive step. Grace has beat the odds already. She and Melody are relating so much better than I've ever seen them do. They love each other so much and deserve this.
It's so strange to feel this joy along with the deepest terror I've ever experienced in my life. It's not so much a fear that Grace will return to heroin (although that is a frightening possibility), or even the fear from loosing control over Melody (I can't protect her anymore)... I am deathly afraid of being alone...
They love each other and don't need me anymore. That was the whole point of this, right? But I have built my life on them, they give me meaning and purpose. I am nothing without them. They are all that is good in my life. Not only were they my distraction from all that is lacking in my marriage, they are the very essence of who I am. I cannot fathom a future where they function independently without me.
Weird. I've been telling Grace for decades now that she has to figure out how to function on her own. One of these days we won't be there to take care of her, to rescue her. Now she's fought her way to that reality all on her own. And I'm the one in a panic. I have no idea how to live like this...
But all that is secondary to today's big milestone. Grace was officially "awarded" custody of Melody today. What a concept, like a prize in a contest. Hummm, kinda was in some respects. But Grace has made so much progress and everyone agreed it's time. We all cried in relief, even Grace.
On a side note, Grace pricked a memory in me tonight. She was complaining about how my husband and I hijacked her Facebook page when she disappeared after leaving treatment. We had promised we would have her arrested for the theft of my jewelery if she left treatment so she ran, leaving Melody with us. We were panicked, wanting to know she was ok. She rightfully resents having her privacy invaded that way and how we announced her drug use to all her friends and former co-workers. There are a thousand arguments for and against what we did, none of which I want to explore tonight.
But she said tonight in her bitterness that we didn't care about her welfare at the time. She has no concept... one of my most vivid memories at the time was getting the dentist's phone number ready in case we needed her dental records. We were prepared to identify her body if needed. How does a mother weigh these preparations against her daughter's right to privacy on Facebook?
Yet the bigger picture tonight is that Melody is officially under Grace's control again. I am jubilant - such a positive step. Grace has beat the odds already. She and Melody are relating so much better than I've ever seen them do. They love each other so much and deserve this.
It's so strange to feel this joy along with the deepest terror I've ever experienced in my life. It's not so much a fear that Grace will return to heroin (although that is a frightening possibility), or even the fear from loosing control over Melody (I can't protect her anymore)... I am deathly afraid of being alone...
They love each other and don't need me anymore. That was the whole point of this, right? But I have built my life on them, they give me meaning and purpose. I am nothing without them. They are all that is good in my life. Not only were they my distraction from all that is lacking in my marriage, they are the very essence of who I am. I cannot fathom a future where they function independently without me.
Weird. I've been telling Grace for decades now that she has to figure out how to function on her own. One of these days we won't be there to take care of her, to rescue her. Now she's fought her way to that reality all on her own. And I'm the one in a panic. I have no idea how to live like this...
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Today's Challenge
So, besides the daily struggles to keep up with life (and never finding that combination of time and energy to blog here), I am wondering today how much of my current struggles are real and how much of them are alive only in my mind? How much of what I'm seeing in my family is due to the reasons I think and how much could just be me putting a negative spin on something neutral?
I've spent so much of my life doing "damage control" - or rather "pre-damage control" - trying to anticipate the hurts before they come so I can prepare for them. But in the process, I'm always assuming the worst. That leaves me angry or sad or upset with those around me even if nothing is going on. And my actions and attitude will influence how they respond to me. It can be a vicious circle that starts in my fear and escalates into reality.
For instance, hubby has been very distant and non-communicative for several weeks. I assumed it was because he was mad at me based on our last in-depth conversation. Turns out he's been fighting migraine headaches for 6 weeks now. The new medicine is working wonders in his attitude - and my assumptions.
Maybe all his silence is not directly related to me... Maybe the world does not revolve around me... Maybe this family has motivations and reasons for how it functions that are not directly under my control... I know that in my head, but my heart wants it to be different. If I'm at the center then I'm in control. If I'm in control then I can ensure I won't get hurt or have to see others hurt. The problem is no human gets a painless life...
I think its part of getting real, of learning to see things as they really are. Living in denial is more than just seeing everything as "nice" and "ok" with no problems; sometimes its seeing everything as crisis or bad or ugly when its not. Most of the time its some combination. Today's challenge is figuring out where that balance is.
I've spent so much of my life doing "damage control" - or rather "pre-damage control" - trying to anticipate the hurts before they come so I can prepare for them. But in the process, I'm always assuming the worst. That leaves me angry or sad or upset with those around me even if nothing is going on. And my actions and attitude will influence how they respond to me. It can be a vicious circle that starts in my fear and escalates into reality.
For instance, hubby has been very distant and non-communicative for several weeks. I assumed it was because he was mad at me based on our last in-depth conversation. Turns out he's been fighting migraine headaches for 6 weeks now. The new medicine is working wonders in his attitude - and my assumptions.
Maybe all his silence is not directly related to me... Maybe the world does not revolve around me... Maybe this family has motivations and reasons for how it functions that are not directly under my control... I know that in my head, but my heart wants it to be different. If I'm at the center then I'm in control. If I'm in control then I can ensure I won't get hurt or have to see others hurt. The problem is no human gets a painless life...
I think its part of getting real, of learning to see things as they really are. Living in denial is more than just seeing everything as "nice" and "ok" with no problems; sometimes its seeing everything as crisis or bad or ugly when its not. Most of the time its some combination. Today's challenge is figuring out where that balance is.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Mixed Emotions
I'm tired, content, sad and peaceful all at the same time. It was a wonderful day in the sun with Melody and three of her friends. Grace decided to take the parenting class that CPS is forcing on her, despite starting school yesterday. The summer quarter condenses a full 12 week quarter into 7 weeks. It's going to be a rough few weeks for her. I still struggle with how best to support her and where to draw the line between help and rescue...
There is much going on in the heavenlies I believe. Things are changing in my family. On the surface it seems so sad, so hurtful. But things that have been hidden or ignored for so long are being unveiled. Our hearts are being revealed, the good, the bad and the ugly.
I can't walk the same way any more, in that panicked pleaser mode. That means Grace walks 6+ miles home from work when its not convenient for me to pick her up. That means my husband is angry at me most of the time these days. It's a tough rode for both Grace and I right now, but as with any move into health, I believe the discipline will yield good results in time.
It's the day to day walk that's hard, yet more peaceful than I could have imagined. I'm making choices that I know are right. I know God's presence even in the hard moments. I am learning a great deal about myself and the character of a strong and loving Savior.
I keep praying for breakthrough, but maybe it's this drudgery and daily struggle that will produce the next season - like planting a garden. It takes time for the seeds to germinate and grow. There's weeding to be done along the way. For now, I will take pleasure in knowing the seeds are growing. I'll just relax and enjoy the sunshine until the flowers bloom.
There is much going on in the heavenlies I believe. Things are changing in my family. On the surface it seems so sad, so hurtful. But things that have been hidden or ignored for so long are being unveiled. Our hearts are being revealed, the good, the bad and the ugly.
I can't walk the same way any more, in that panicked pleaser mode. That means Grace walks 6+ miles home from work when its not convenient for me to pick her up. That means my husband is angry at me most of the time these days. It's a tough rode for both Grace and I right now, but as with any move into health, I believe the discipline will yield good results in time.
It's the day to day walk that's hard, yet more peaceful than I could have imagined. I'm making choices that I know are right. I know God's presence even in the hard moments. I am learning a great deal about myself and the character of a strong and loving Savior.
I keep praying for breakthrough, but maybe it's this drudgery and daily struggle that will produce the next season - like planting a garden. It takes time for the seeds to germinate and grow. There's weeding to be done along the way. For now, I will take pleasure in knowing the seeds are growing. I'll just relax and enjoy the sunshine until the flowers bloom.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Rumblings
My heart is heavy with vague rumblings tonight. I took a different route home that led me past my old haunts from just before I got married. It reminded me of those days, the innocence and hope I had for my future. How differently my life has turned out from those early dreams.
That's not to say my life has been a failure. And I believe in the power of redemption. As I struggle to find health and wholeness at age 54, that healing will redeem many of the rumblings I sense in my heart.
But I was struck tonight looking at those familiar roads that I haven't seen for 30 years - struck by the memory of the emotions of a naive young girl grasping for love from the first man who had ever noticed her. He is a good man and we are meant to be together. But I was driven by such anxiety and unseen fears back then - still am in so many ways.
And the dream of many children to fill my home and give me the love I needed ended up being forced onto the one child who was unintentionally created before our marriage vows. Hubby told me I was lucky to get one, if it hadn't happened by accident he would never have had children.
So I harbored and protected and separated them - this child and her father. I'm not sure it's really what he wanted, but it was a good excuse to ingrain myself as her provider and nurturer. That insured that she would love me more, and need me as much as I needed her.
She became my sole focus in life. She was my friend, my source of comfort and confidence. I home schooled her, I took her everywhere, I gave her anything she wanted. When I remained empty, I abandoned her in pursuit of other do-good activities.
What pressure for a child... and what betrayal. Part of this growing up process I'm in is to acknowledge the wrongs. And stay balanced by not beating myself up over them. I wish I could undo them - go back to those long forgotten roads and choose a different route. Impossible, but there is value in recognizing the wrong turns and learning from them. Such are the lessons from the rumblings in my heart tonight.
That's not to say my life has been a failure. And I believe in the power of redemption. As I struggle to find health and wholeness at age 54, that healing will redeem many of the rumblings I sense in my heart.
But I was struck tonight looking at those familiar roads that I haven't seen for 30 years - struck by the memory of the emotions of a naive young girl grasping for love from the first man who had ever noticed her. He is a good man and we are meant to be together. But I was driven by such anxiety and unseen fears back then - still am in so many ways.
And the dream of many children to fill my home and give me the love I needed ended up being forced onto the one child who was unintentionally created before our marriage vows. Hubby told me I was lucky to get one, if it hadn't happened by accident he would never have had children.
So I harbored and protected and separated them - this child and her father. I'm not sure it's really what he wanted, but it was a good excuse to ingrain myself as her provider and nurturer. That insured that she would love me more, and need me as much as I needed her.
She became my sole focus in life. She was my friend, my source of comfort and confidence. I home schooled her, I took her everywhere, I gave her anything she wanted. When I remained empty, I abandoned her in pursuit of other do-good activities.
What pressure for a child... and what betrayal. Part of this growing up process I'm in is to acknowledge the wrongs. And stay balanced by not beating myself up over them. I wish I could undo them - go back to those long forgotten roads and choose a different route. Impossible, but there is value in recognizing the wrong turns and learning from them. Such are the lessons from the rumblings in my heart tonight.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I'm Not The Only One
I read about me this week. It wasn't pleasant. My counselor had me read a book called "The Enabler: when helping hurts the ones you love." My life filled those pages.... Thankfully I've made some of the discoveries the author describes already, but I've got a long way to go.
I've always believed that if it was within my ability to help, I was obligated to do so. If Grace wanted something, or even if she didn't but I thought she might need it, I had it ready for her. If hubby wanted an errand run, even if it was inconvenient and he had more time to run it himself, I'd make sure it got done. Anything to earn those brownie points and keep the peace.
I especially identified with the peacekeeper role the author described. I've gone to such lengths to keep conflict out of my house. I can't stand any fighting. I go into panic mode anytime there is the slightest disagreement, pushing all parties into their separate corners and placating each of them so they won't fight. That pretty much describes Grace's childhood, especially the teen years trying to keep her and her dad at peace. Always the savior, earning the love...
The problem is now I have to fight to be honest with both of them. They have thankfully both matured enough to where their disagreements are no longer physical and their anger is not directed at each other - at least not on the surface. But I've spent so much time making excuses for both of them, I have a hard time sorting out how I feel about any given situation.
It's so hard for me to think when they are not happy. All I want to do is make them happy - whatever it costs. I have no idea how to let them live with their own consequences, let them feel what they need to feel and not rush to manipulate their circumstances or distract them.
The author calls it being honest. Letting my family know what I think (knowing what I think is a challenge in itself) is a necessary step on honesty. It's all tied up with needing to be the savior, but the more immediate threat is that being honest means they might not like me - or even worse - they might get mad at me! My palms get itchy from nerves at the mere thought...
I know I'm getting better, but I have such a long, long way to go. I've had to confront hubby twice now on big issues the last few months. It's an on-going battle with Grace. At least she's recognizing that I have the right to take a stand and say no even if she disagrees....
No easy answers, no quick fixes. I want it all done now, all nice and pretty and peaceful right now. Somehow change does not come that easily. At least I was reminded this week that I am not the only one....
I've always believed that if it was within my ability to help, I was obligated to do so. If Grace wanted something, or even if she didn't but I thought she might need it, I had it ready for her. If hubby wanted an errand run, even if it was inconvenient and he had more time to run it himself, I'd make sure it got done. Anything to earn those brownie points and keep the peace.
I especially identified with the peacekeeper role the author described. I've gone to such lengths to keep conflict out of my house. I can't stand any fighting. I go into panic mode anytime there is the slightest disagreement, pushing all parties into their separate corners and placating each of them so they won't fight. That pretty much describes Grace's childhood, especially the teen years trying to keep her and her dad at peace. Always the savior, earning the love...
The problem is now I have to fight to be honest with both of them. They have thankfully both matured enough to where their disagreements are no longer physical and their anger is not directed at each other - at least not on the surface. But I've spent so much time making excuses for both of them, I have a hard time sorting out how I feel about any given situation.
It's so hard for me to think when they are not happy. All I want to do is make them happy - whatever it costs. I have no idea how to let them live with their own consequences, let them feel what they need to feel and not rush to manipulate their circumstances or distract them.
The author calls it being honest. Letting my family know what I think (knowing what I think is a challenge in itself) is a necessary step on honesty. It's all tied up with needing to be the savior, but the more immediate threat is that being honest means they might not like me - or even worse - they might get mad at me! My palms get itchy from nerves at the mere thought...
I know I'm getting better, but I have such a long, long way to go. I've had to confront hubby twice now on big issues the last few months. It's an on-going battle with Grace. At least she's recognizing that I have the right to take a stand and say no even if she disagrees....
No easy answers, no quick fixes. I want it all done now, all nice and pretty and peaceful right now. Somehow change does not come that easily. At least I was reminded this week that I am not the only one....
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Empty House
I am alone for two nights. Melody gets two overnights in a row with Grace. It's so quiet here... other than the dog pacing. Hubby's upstairs sleeping and I'm fighting the urge to clean house just to fill the void.
I have no idea how to do this - how to live a strong, independent life at peace with myself. I am driven to fill the emptiness with something... work to prove myself... or food... or TV... The goal is for Grace to get Melody back soon. I may very well be cut out completely at that point. I want them to be together. But I'm so afraid of being alone.
Funny, that's a concern I have with Grace right now. She demands to have Melody around her whenever she can. She "gets lonely". Grace is angry when I allow Melody to go overnight with friends because that means she has to be alone. I sure understand, especially tonight....
But I have to keep in mind what's best for Melody, and I have to force Grace to do the same. It's not easy - in fact its really hard - but it can and must be done. So I'll sit in quiet for a few moments and savor the clean, silent house knowing that my girls are giggling in the cottage just down the road. At least the dog stopped pacing.
I have no idea how to do this - how to live a strong, independent life at peace with myself. I am driven to fill the emptiness with something... work to prove myself... or food... or TV... The goal is for Grace to get Melody back soon. I may very well be cut out completely at that point. I want them to be together. But I'm so afraid of being alone.
Funny, that's a concern I have with Grace right now. She demands to have Melody around her whenever she can. She "gets lonely". Grace is angry when I allow Melody to go overnight with friends because that means she has to be alone. I sure understand, especially tonight....
But I have to keep in mind what's best for Melody, and I have to force Grace to do the same. It's not easy - in fact its really hard - but it can and must be done. So I'll sit in quiet for a few moments and savor the clean, silent house knowing that my girls are giggling in the cottage just down the road. At least the dog stopped pacing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)